Alice in Londonland

I’ve been putting off this blog, as I really wanted it to be hugely positive, pah, stuff that, I wanted it to be a “yah, in your face, high five’s all around, I’m in a relationship, and I can have sex (with another person) (...oh....) (and the same person) whenever I want! Woo, yay, victory dance”

Well, maybe it wouldn’t be exactly that, but believe me, that would be what I was thinking, com-ple-tly what I would be thinking. I could join in those knowing looks, and giggles people do on the train while reading texts, and then talking in hushed voices while slightly blushing. Where as, in my reality, the texts I receive are from my Mother, the hushed / blushing calls? I’m on the 7.30pm train from London, and my parents want to check I’m ok and coming home for supper . As I’m a little bit later than normal and they are worried.

So, not only have I moved back to my parentals *sigh*, I’ve jumped back onto that roundabout of death by internet dating just so I can have sex on a regular basis. I mean...errr...have a loving relationship? Anyway, oh my word...what has happened to me. I have turned, into a snob...not just any snob..but an internet dating “has turned me picky” snob.

It all started when I received an email from a guy and I actually found myself curling my lip, and groaning...not in a good way. It was from “mr-treat-you-good”....now come on...Mr Treat you GOOD?! *surely* the proper grammar would be “Mr-treat-you-well” or if not it could be“Mr-ill-treat-you-very-well-possibly-like-a-princess-and-tell-you-you-look-stunning-when-you-wake-up-looking-like-the-back-end-of-a-bus”...or something like that.

And then I started picking everyone to shreds...with their names, pictures, and other “language” used....so, guys, and gals, I decided to put this together, please see below my top tips:

1) Do not name yourself after your favourite “wife Beater” beer. This does not paint a “Gosh, this is the responsible man I want to spend the rest of my life with” – Roger Stella, I’m talking about you.

2) Naked torso pictures? Showing a bit of hand pulling down your 90’s Marky Mark pants? And you’re “looking for a serious relationship” you say? - Ladies, he’s not... this gentleman actually wanted to tick the “intimate encounters” box...but was too scared.

3) Distant pictures of you diving into the sea, doing some far away comedy poses, but just not any close enough so we can see actually your face? – add onto that a username of “yourmumwillapprove” ?– nope, I’m pretty sure mammainLondonland would not. You’re married, plain and simple.

4) This is actually scarily a pretty common error....please do not copy and paste emails to numerous women without changing their name at the top of the email. I know you need to throw allot of sh^t before it sticks, but this is still an Epic fail. A little more time and patience needed boys.

And finally:

5) Text talk? And you’re 37?

Do1.

So there we have it. I can say it loud and proud. I am a picky, judgemental internet dater...not even dater...actually more a Voyeur at the moment. Where upon, while writing this blog, & deciding I seriously need to reintroduce myself to the real world (rather than hiding behind a computer screen) a very interesting email pinged up.....

From: Come Date With Me
Sent: 25 November 2011
To: Come Date With Me
Subject: Come Date with Me

Good Afternoon,

Thank you for your interest in Come Date with Me.

Please find attached an application form for the show.

Please fill this in and return it to us ASAP with a recent photo of yourself.

Have a good weekend,

Miranda

Well Miranda, I will certainly be filling this out Tout Suit, we all know how good my cooking is don’t we?