Gift from the boss....

So...I'm in on a Friday night, couple of reasons, I'm so so poor, and have morphed into my spotty 12 year old self and frankly need to tidy my room as I have a friend staying tomorrow night..however, I am considering shoving everything under my bed or leaving well placed "throws" around the room as I have decided to peruse the ol' Internet dating sites.  Wow...thank goodness I have as the gods of Internet dating are shining down on me tonight....not only have I been added by a man who goes by the name of "Angel" (yes, apparently he is straight and not a girl..however I have my doubts), a man I've dated earlier this year and his cat attacked my face (he blamed me btw), I have also had an email from "Tag" saying:

"Hi there...I'm Tag, and I'm American.  Did you walk the whole of the marathon? Lift you knee's up girl."

Hmm...Tag..Ill lift my knee up alright....into your man bits...

So...Ive decided to leave the Internet for tonight and look seriously at a book my boss kindly left on my desk....

 Right..so Hag..show me what Ive got to do.  Ive flicked through a few pages, and I'm going to pick out a few of my favourite Introduction lines for you;

Become the "HUNTER"

1. Look for a hot guy in the supermarket...open with "I see you've got Captain Sparkle sink cleaner in your basket, does it work well? Because I've got to do mine?"
2. While at the checkout..you see a guy infront of you has something on a two for one offer..point at it and say "Damn, I forgot to get one of those"..while pointing at the item "can I buy one of them from you please to save me traipsing across the store to find one?"
3. Or..if you feel braver..a favourite of mine.."It was buy one get one free at the doughnut counter, so I ended up with enough calories to kill a rhino, please will you help me out and take one of these to stop me from a cholesterol meltdown?"

 Now, ladies and gents, really? Lets be fair, if a guys got "Captain Sparkle" in his basket, its because his wife has told him to buy it, if I ask to have one of his "items" ill nervously end up pointing to his Haemorrhoid cream, and as if I would donate a doughnut?

Ok Hag...whats next....

1. "Go to a local park, but carry a couple of water pistols.  Fill yours up, and fill the other two up half way.  See a couple of hot guys, walk up to them, give them the water pistols while saying "Here, you're going to need this later" and then walk off while giving a cheeky glance over your shoulder.  Start a water fight with your girlfriends, then "accidentally" squirt the hot guys, they will then retaliate but the fun part will be them realising you have more water in your gun !"
2. "Go to the local pond or stream where there are ducks, carry some bread rolls in a bag with you.  See a hot guy on his own, go up to him hand him the bag and ask him to hold it for you while you then walk off to the pond and start feeding the ducks.  He will then walk after you, if he doesn't, look over your shoulder at him and watch him realise what he's meant to do and then walk over to you. Good Doggy."

Ok..lets think, hot guys in the park? Me with my girlfriends starting a water fight? In a weird way, it could work (*queue wet T shirt comp*)..but then...do I want to attract a guy who has already seen all of my bessie mates boobs? No. Ok then, the park.  Well this is only asking for trouble, a guy? In a park? Standing on his own? Err Hello? No guy stands in the park, on his own, unless he's a flasher.

Oh Hag.  What are you suggesting us ladies do eh? But then, I glance at his photo on the back of the book;

 Would you accept advice from a man that looks like this ladies? My answer is probably not, but this book is a real eye opener, I will carry on reading and share some nuggets with you along the way. 

xx

Oh, just an FYI though, if you see me in the supermarket and you're with your girlfriend you should walk her and yourself away as quickly as possible......ill be armed with a plastic gun, eating a doughnut, and with a basket full of toilet unblocker and haemorrhoid cream.....you, my friends, will find me completely irresistible, don't say I didn't warn you.