Internet dating snob.....

I’ve been putting off this blog, as I really wanted it to be hugely positive, pah, stuff that, I wanted it to be a “yah, in your face, high five’s all around, I’m in a relationship, and I can have sex (with another person) (...oh....) (and the same person) whenever I want!  Woo, yay, victory dance”

Well, maybe it wouldn’t be exactly that, but believe me, that would be what I was thinking, com-ple-tly what I would be thinking.  I could join in those knowing looks, and giggles people do on the train while reading texts, and then talking in hushed voices while slightly blushing.  Where as, in my reality, the texts I receive are from my Mother, the hushed / blushing calls? I’m on the 7.30pm train from London, and my parents want to check I’m ok and coming home for supper .  As I’m a little bit later than normal and they are worried.   

So, not only have I moved back to my parentals *sigh*, I’ve jumped back onto that roundabout of death by internet dating just so I can have sex on a regular basis.  I mean...errr...have a loving relationship? Anyway, oh my word...what has happened to me.  I have turned, into a snob...not just any snob..but an internet dating “has turned me picky” snob.

It all started when I received an email from a guy and I actually found myself curling my lip, and groaning...not in a good way.  It was from “mr-treat-you-good”....now come on...Mr Treat you GOOD?!  *surely* the proper grammar would be “Mr-treat-you-well” or if not it could be“Mr-ill-treat-you-very-well-possibly-like-a-princess-and-tell-you-you-look-stunning-when-you-wake-up-looking-like-the-back-end-of-a-bus”...or something like that.

And then I started picking everyone to shreds...with their names, pictures, and other “language” used....so, guys, and gals, I decided to put this together, please see below my top tips:

 1) Do not name yourself after your favourite “wife Beater” beer.  This does not paint a “Gosh, this is the responsible man I want to spend the rest of my life with” – Roger Stella, I’m talking about you.

2) Naked torso pictures? Showing a bit of hand pulling down your 90’s Marky Mark pants?   And you’re “looking for a serious relationship” you say? -  Ladies, he’s not... this gentleman actually wanted to tick the “intimate encounters” box...but was too scared.  

3) Distant pictures of you diving into the sea, doing some far away comedy poses, but just not any close enough so we can see actually your face? – add onto that a username of “yourmumwillapprove” ?– nope, I’m pretty sure mammainLondonland would not.  You’re married, plain and simple.

4) This is actually scarily a pretty common error....please do not copy and paste emails to numerous women without changing their name at the top of the email.  I know you need to throw allot of sh^t before it sticks, but this is still an Epic fail.  A little more time and patience needed boys.

And finally:

5) Text talk? And you’re 37?

 Do1.

So there we have it.  I can say it loud and proud.  I am a picky, judgemental internet dater...not even dater...actually more a Voyeur at the moment.  Where upon, while writing this blog, & deciding I seriously need to reintroduce myself to the real world (rather than hiding behind a computer screen) a  very interesting email pinged up.....

From: Come Date With Me
Sent: 25 November 2011
To: Come Date With Me
Subject: Come Date with Me

Good Afternoon,

Thank you for your interest in Come Date with Me.

Please find attached an application form for the show.

Please fill this in and return it to us ASAP with a recent photo of yourself.

Have a good weekend,

Miranda

---

Well Miranda, I will certainly be filling this out Tout Suit, we all know how good my cooking is don’t we?



Too long in the microwave?!



Keep your fingers crossed for Londonland..... J

A trip down memory lane...

So, this Saturday I found myself sitting in my mums house after coming back from a party in Southampton at my first ever boyfriends house. Sure, we were 9/10 when we dated, I've since found out he didnt even know that we were dating (story of my life) and it turns out that about a week after I left school to move to Kent, he had his first kiss ! Not with me..obvs.  Anyway, it got me all emotional, so I dared to do the unthinkable....raid the wardrobe thats never to be opened in my old bedroom.  To be fair its only never to be opened because, well, anyone that knows me knows Im a messy untidy little tyke and I was pr-ett-y scared as to what I might find...but instead I hit upon a little treasure trove.

And there, on top of some old posters of Marky Mark, Just 17 magazines and some Helter Skelter tapes (we were all there people) I found my old school folder from my Senior School..check it out....

 Wow..the "lurve page".  Sadly, I think this was when I was 11, and not to dwell on things too much, but my crush Andrew actually told me he'ld rather be gay than go out with me.  And I still decided to carry on crushing on him.  As you can see I even drew a picture of him (fat Ronnie left) telling me (fat Ronnie right) to go away? Wowzer Alice... Anyway anyway anyway, the best bit was actually in my folder...

It turns out that actually, Im semi doing the job that my little 11 year old self wanted to do..kinda...

Well...who's laughing now eh Miss? Ill give you 7/10 and "Most imaginative", looking at my life now I shouldve got 10/10.  I am working in advertising, I will watch anything to do with Gypsies, I love driving fast *, housework stinks, and frankly beer does make myself, & everyone else "hilarious".

So all in all my 11 year old self had my life pretty much planned out, and I just didn't realise it.

Can someone now help me find something that will help me figure out the rest of my life please?...it must be around here somewhere.....





*but well aware its a limit not a target, Officer

Gift from the boss....

So...I'm in on a Friday night, couple of reasons, I'm so so poor, and have morphed into my spotty 12 year old self and frankly need to tidy my room as I have a friend staying tomorrow night..however, I am considering shoving everything under my bed or leaving well placed "throws" around the room as I have decided to peruse the ol' Internet dating sites.  Wow...thank goodness I have as the gods of Internet dating are shining down on me tonight....not only have I been added by a man who goes by the name of "Angel" (yes, apparently he is straight and not a girl..however I have my doubts), a man I've dated earlier this year and his cat attacked my face (he blamed me btw), I have also had an email from "Tag" saying:

"Hi there...I'm Tag, and I'm American.  Did you walk the whole of the marathon? Lift you knee's up girl."

Hmm...Tag..Ill lift my knee up alright....into your man bits...

So...Ive decided to leave the Internet for tonight and look seriously at a book my boss kindly left on my desk....

 Right..so Hag..show me what Ive got to do.  Ive flicked through a few pages, and I'm going to pick out a few of my favourite Introduction lines for you;

Become the "HUNTER"

1. Look for a hot guy in the supermarket...open with "I see you've got Captain Sparkle sink cleaner in your basket, does it work well? Because I've got to do mine?"
2. While at the checkout..you see a guy infront of you has something on a two for one offer..point at it and say "Damn, I forgot to get one of those"..while pointing at the item "can I buy one of them from you please to save me traipsing across the store to find one?"
3. Or..if you feel braver..a favourite of mine.."It was buy one get one free at the doughnut counter, so I ended up with enough calories to kill a rhino, please will you help me out and take one of these to stop me from a cholesterol meltdown?"

 Now, ladies and gents, really? Lets be fair, if a guys got "Captain Sparkle" in his basket, its because his wife has told him to buy it, if I ask to have one of his "items" ill nervously end up pointing to his Haemorrhoid cream, and as if I would donate a doughnut?

Ok Hag...whats next....

1. "Go to a local park, but carry a couple of water pistols.  Fill yours up, and fill the other two up half way.  See a couple of hot guys, walk up to them, give them the water pistols while saying "Here, you're going to need this later" and then walk off while giving a cheeky glance over your shoulder.  Start a water fight with your girlfriends, then "accidentally" squirt the hot guys, they will then retaliate but the fun part will be them realising you have more water in your gun !"
2. "Go to the local pond or stream where there are ducks, carry some bread rolls in a bag with you.  See a hot guy on his own, go up to him hand him the bag and ask him to hold it for you while you then walk off to the pond and start feeding the ducks.  He will then walk after you, if he doesn't, look over your shoulder at him and watch him realise what he's meant to do and then walk over to you. Good Doggy."

Ok..lets think, hot guys in the park? Me with my girlfriends starting a water fight? In a weird way, it could work (*queue wet T shirt comp*)..but then...do I want to attract a guy who has already seen all of my bessie mates boobs? No. Ok then, the park.  Well this is only asking for trouble, a guy? In a park? Standing on his own? Err Hello? No guy stands in the park, on his own, unless he's a flasher.

Oh Hag.  What are you suggesting us ladies do eh? But then, I glance at his photo on the back of the book;

 Would you accept advice from a man that looks like this ladies? My answer is probably not, but this book is a real eye opener, I will carry on reading and share some nuggets with you along the way. 

xx

Oh, just an FYI though, if you see me in the supermarket and you're with your girlfriend you should walk her and yourself away as quickly as possible......ill be armed with a plastic gun, eating a doughnut, and with a basket full of toilet unblocker and haemorrhoid cream.....you, my friends, will find me completely irresistible, don't say I didn't warn you.

What now?

Wow..so on Monday I recieved this email:

To: Waite, Alice
Subject: [JustGiving] Your page has stopped taking donations

It's all over! Well done and a mighty big congratulations from all of us at JustGiving.

You've raised a total of £2,264.90 for your charity.

There's nothing more you need to do - we've already sent the funds you've raised through your JustGiving page to the charity.

We hope you feel great about your fundraising....and that the next time you want to donate to, or fundraise for, your favourite charity - you'll use JustGiving. With the fastest Gift Aid collection around, we make sure your gifts go further, faster, for charity.


Oh...my ...word..I mean..I really did it? And you guys? You really did it too? I am so so happy, chuffed, ah-may-zed that you helped me to raise £2,264.90 (who was that 90p eh? tight arse ;-) ) but seriously, you guys gave me that money to do the marathon. Now, what ever your reasons...doubting I would do it...humouring me as I was attempting to do it...wanting to see me run for something other than last orders....I dont care.. frankly you guys supported me and I couldnt have done it without you.  So all I can say is thankyou from the bottom of my heart, and thankyou for donating that money to Diabeties UK.

To be honest, this email has scared me,  I've just opened up my wallet and not only do moths fly out, but so do the receipts for beer, cornish pasty's and Big Macs so I've had to force myself to look at my Marathon photos to remind myself of my achievement..and I still cant believe that was this year? this April? Really? I did it? And I didnt poo or wee myself while doing it? Wow.  Hand on heart I so havent run an inch since then, I am still missing two toenails, but Im also really missing that "something" & I think thats the urge to do something challenging!  What can top the marathon? Who knows, I might leave the suggestions up to you..but until then, I'll keep you up to date with the dating disasters..as we all know..Bridget Jones has nothing on me.

Thankyou again all, your support has been everything. You rock.

Muchos,

xx

"Ohhhh...Mmmmyyyyyy.....Gaaaaawwwdddddddd...."

Errrr....hummmm.......oh  god....its...erm...happening.....like....err...tomorrow??? Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

And breathe...


Well..its been a roller coaster hasnt it? Now, in a strange way, even though Ive been knocked sideways by getting tonsillitis (no...sadly not from kissing..) I've actually had a good final week in the run up to the big day.

I was so down when the doctor mumbled the words "You cant run" on Wednesday..first I thought "how the hell does she know? has she seen me?" And then realised in fact she meant because of the tonsils, which FYI could also quite frankly be mistaken for elephant testicals right now. 
I immediately burst into tears....she then immediately doubled the dosage of penicillin and pain killers..and upon that moment I did what any other 31 year old girl would so.  I ran out of her office and then moaned and sobbed on facebook...my life was over...my Marathon dream was over....woah woah me. And then all my friends were superb !! Seriously, I am SO lucky to have you all in my life!

They all gave me lots of love and condolence...but also, a much needed virtual slap round the face:

"Man up Waite" .....and my favourite...... "People run it with missing limbs? Youve got a sore throat"..so hellooo reality check.

And then, before I knew it, its Saturday and I havent suffered from any nerves !!!

Until now. Right this very minute. Sitting in my room looking at my red Virgin London Marathon kit bag, royally sh*tting myself.

For those interested, when I was feeling much fitter I was semi on track for a 4hr 50 finish but now theres no way thats going to happen. I am now just going to go, and try to enjoy the day and atmosphere as much as I can, and hope I dont finish it in last place.  Even though that would be pretty cool?

So, this is it people, no more excuses, nothing more I can do, tomorrow at 7am I am donning my pink outfit and joining the 35,643 other runners taking part. I wish all my other friends taking part the best of luck too, I also cant wait to see some of my favourite faces in the crowd...you guys will be so so important for me. Thankyou for everything all...see you on the other side !! xxx

The fear is setting in......

Woke up at 2.00 am this morning covered in sweat, crying my eyes out and my little (icy stone cold) heart racing 20 to the dozen.  Why? The fear is well and truly upon me.  Let me tell you about my dream:

“ It’s the morning of the big “M”.  I’m in the race pen (now thinking about it, I think I was possibly a sheep at this time? But anyway) I’m looking at everyone, taking in the pretty surroundings of Blackheath.  To the left of me is emu and what I think is meant to be Big Bird, we’re nervously smiling at each other adjusting our headphones, and then we are off.  We start jogging down the road which then turns into spaghetti junction, there are thousands of people all around me, I then  decide that I’m a pro @ Parkour ... so running up buildings, jumping over roads (obviously I had found myself a shortcut) looking pretty darn good I have to say....then I look up and see Team Alice as it’s magically got to 15 miles already (barely even broken a sweat obv)...immediately I start crying and run up for a huge hug when then.....

I get grabbed by some big burly wardens who drag me off out of the marathon, I’m kicking and screaming asking what’s happening, I can then see my parents up at 21 miles (don’t ask me how...it’s a dream) waiting for me to run/walk/crawl past, then the huge wardens shout at me and say I’m not a proper runner (hmm, go figure) & then they then point out my major flaw.   I’m not actually wearing a running number nor my chip....turn’s out that I had forgotten to register the day before, so now I’m not allowed to complete the marathon.”  

I then woke up bawling my eyes out.  The disappointment/anger I felt was immense... along with the thought of letting people down.  I think this is obviously my main fear.  So please, please, please, can someone remind me to go to the Excel centre on Friday the 15^th, and also, if I am the last person running when all the traffic has started flowing again, please wait for me, with a beer in hand?  

Thankyou.  Oh, here’s a little link that that would've made me giggle 8 months ago,  but has now actually scared the bejesus out of me....you're all picturing me me in this clip now arent you?!

Oh, That'll be the half then....please let it be a half pint of beer not anything else....

Four sleeps to go till "Judgement day"

I'm going to be completely honest with you, I am, and have been, dreading this half Marathon more than the actual London Marathon.  Back in October I have to admit it all seemed a little bit like a joke, well not a joke, but something to tell people?

Let me explain.  At the end of last year, I was doing so much dating I couldve put Cilla Black out of business.  But during these dates, I kept on getting unstuck with the familiar line:


DATE: "So, Alice, what do you do in your spare time...you know, other than serial dating obviously" *said with a little wink and accompanied by amused laughter from him to show he's joking*

ME: *oh, bugger.  How does he know? Ok...style it out..* "Ha ha, crikey, as if I could find the time ! (Mr failed date number 22.5) Erm...lots of things really...erm.....socialising (dating)...catching up with friends (drinking/dating)...erm....go to the gym (once..there was a good shop next door) ..and errr....well, to be honest..works pretty busy at the moment and takes up alot of my time"

DATE: "Oh.  Ok.  Erm. " *well that was a conversation killer...maybe more booze is the way forward for tonight.....*

But now, its brilliant !!

DATE:  "So, Alice, what do you do in your spare time...you know, other than serial dating obviously" *said with a little wink and accompanied by amused laughter from him to show he's joking*

ME: *laughing along with him* "Well, the usual really! Work keeps me pretty busy at the moment, but Im actually also training for the London Marathon! Even though you probably couldnt tell *while pointing at the wine glass and still chuckling*

DATE: "Really? Wow.  Ive always wanted to run a marathon.....you must be pretty fit to do that  *he says with a cheeky wink* (little does he know...) We could go running together next time if you like? I know some great runs that I'ld like to show you?"

And then, you've got him.  He's arranged the second date and actually thinks youre interesting! Not completely shallow only into shopping, cheeky after work drinks, smoking and eating fast food on most nights.  Wow, I have succeeded in making myself out to be someone else, and I didnt even have to technically lie!

Then fast forward to present day.  Sadly, it cannot be kept as just a good dating line, and I actually have to do it.  So, last Saturday I took myself out for my longest run as promised...


Route: New Route
Activity: Run
Google Maps URL: http://maps.google.com/?q=http://share.abvio.com/6161/3a02/4ced/7ce9/Runmeter-Run-20110312-1206.kml
Shortened Google Maps URL: http://j.mp/f0ohSw
Started: 12 Mar 2011 12:06:26 PM
Run Time: 1:50:15
Stopped Time: 30:33
Distance: 11.00 miles
Average: 10:02 /mile
Fastest Pace: 3:03 /mile
Climb: 154 feet
Calories: 0
Official Route: No

So...thats a couple of miles off the half marathon...lets see how Saturday pans out....this my friends is now getting serious....32 days till the big "M"


xx

P.S Just FYI...I havent actually received any thing through the post from the London Marathon..i.e red laces...racing number...which others got sent to them 2 days ago!  Am now getting pretty nervous that I've messed up and actually dont have a place so all of this has been for nothing....Well, I say nothing, but after taking delivery of the below, I could always eat all the gels, drink all the drinks and then see what happens?! Who's in??

10 days to go till the half marathon.....

Oh...my...God.  That is possibly all that this blog should say eh? Wowzer.

But, a little positivity.  Not my forte as you all know, however ill give it my best shot:

1. I've given up drinking (tis only Tuesday...but hey...not a bad start ;-) )
2. Managed to run just over 8 miles tonight.  Yes its not the quickest, but dudes....8 miles?! (Please see attached run meter...I do feel I have to attach proof for some of you..please also see where I got lost.  Oh yes, Alice can even get lost on a straight road....the shame.....http://j.mp/fdOtL3   )
3. Erm...well, I've noticed my "Bum Bag" as described in an earlier blog doesnt actually move quite so much....
4. And finally, I'm pretty sure the amount I'm sweating is not normal, but am praying this will eventually mean weight loss...please God let there be some benefit to this other than it being possibly the "greatest achievement of my life"....bla bla bla...I want at least a lolly pop head after this. 

So...even though I am feeling slightly more upbeat...Im still not overly positive for..you know......the other one I have to do.....and my flat mate has confirmed that for me this evening..

HIM: "Did you run back?"
ME: Red faced and very sweaty.."Yeah (light and breezy..control your breathing Alice)..I actually ran a bit longer than normal for my sins!" *wanting a high five at this point*
HIM:"Well so you should be. Its not long to go you know"

And alas he's right. Its not long to go, but I will stand by this comment. I will succeed and I will finish the big jog I am doing.  Yes it will be a rubbish time and I will never do it again.  But I'll do it.  And of course I'll be updating my status every step of the way....well I've got to.  Apparently theres no darn traffic? So now I cant run and pray for the red man to appear so I can stop for a bit, and lean on the traffic lights as I do.  Whose stupid idea was that eh?

Anyway.. heres to a ten miler on Sat.....lets see....

Love and blisters xx

"Ding Ding"

"Time please.....Ladies and Gentlemen last orders at the bar...."

Crikey.  So thats that then.  I always said I would give up drinking in March for the marathon..and now I need to stick to it.....bother. This weekend was marked in my diary as "blow out weekend"....and yes..after drinks on Wed, Thur, Fri and Sat my liver is currently doing the Macarena at this news.  Now, I have to admit, "blow out weekend" also included smoking.  Yes yes, I know I know, and to make it worse it was even pre meditated smoking....not a drunken stumble to buy ten cigarettes and smoke them hiding round the corner...oh no...this was a very sober "20 Marlborough lights please" and smoked where everyone could see me....hey, if youre going to do something you may as well do it properly...

Anyway, please fasten your seat belts, and prepare for the worlds most boring Month and a bit, I will understand if you all de-friend me...I would so de-friend my self if I could...believe me.

Happy Sunday all. 

Hang on...Sunday? That means I have one day left right? Score. 1.30, The Sun - Clapham Old town.  See you there, Ill be the drunken lush outside chain smoking.  Wicked.

This is the picture ill be thinking of while running the marathon.......

Its oh so quiet..shhh shhhhh....

Yup...its been all quiet on the Londonland front eh? Well, if you could see my "Draft" folder you would actually learn it hasn't been that quiet...yet...thankfully...I saw sense and didnt post any of the little blighters. Why? Because I started to sound like the mad bitter cat woman stinking of pee that I keep talking about...and frankly...I don't want that to happen..just yet anyway, hell, I haven't got a large enough collection of fluffy multi coloured cardis. 

Just a couple of points to round up the last couple of weeks:

1. Mr "M"? Yup..I gave him another chance.....it was him who then told me to "keep my options open".... yes yes..I know you all warned me...
2. Been sick as a dog with the flu
3. Have used this as an excuse to do no running..nothing...not a bit.  I haven't even walked up escalators. Ive been that lazy and pathetic
4. *

But Ive given myself a talking to, put my knitting needles down and decided those cardis can wait a little longer.  Alice in Londonland has a marathon to do....oh....and also a couple of cheeky dates lined up for this week. 

let the fun commence x

* Actually had to delete 3 more points..the cat woman was creeping out .. you dont need to meet her just yet...but I am having fun planning it..am  going to get a trolly (Waitrose..Obv) so I can push them around in it and sprinkle little cat treats on the floor and then Ill tell everyone, very loudly, its so I can find my way back home as the cat people guide me.......have I said too much again? Oh.... 

Blinded by his beauty...

Ok...so Adonis Robert? Is actually Robbie...and today he was in a tight black T Shirt showing off perfectly formed muscles...and that smile? oooh that smile....

That smile has cost me another £40 pounds thats what that smile has done! Grr!

But I am now kitted out with some new trainers, these puppies:

But in a scarily big size 7? Aparently your feet expand while running...I get that...but I can hardly walk in them without tripping over my own feet.  Cute though and pretty damn comfy, gutted they didnt come in pink, but hey, apparently serious athletes dont buy their trainers based on colour? What is the world coming too..

However beautiful Robbie has scared the bejesus out of me though:

Alice : (still looking pretty sweaty from the treadmill run trying out shoes - which, I have to point out, I did actually try to style out the jump off the treadmill after the last pair. Serious fail..he had to ask me if I was ok...anyway..) - "So, Robbie, do you race too?" *think like a pro Alice..think like a pro*

Robbie: "Im actually more of a track man my self..you know, interval training mainly..1500 is my race.  Ive taken part in a few half marathons but it was straight after my body building so I was a little heavier and did a real slow time of 1hr 30...." (one hour 30?!? 1 hr 30?!?! You kidding me?!?) then......"I would never do a marathon, Im not that crazy....maybe when Im older in 5 years or so"

So thankyou Robbie, for confirming I am actually completely crazy, you little g&t... And also for pointing out your trainers are only one size larger than mine.  You know what they say Robbie...small feet eh?...small feet....

daa daa daa daa daaaaa daaaaaa

daa daa daa daa daaaaaaaaa... (please sing to the tune of the Chariots of Fire)

I MADE IT...10K done...ALIVE....ok, I didnt break any world records, nor did I come in the top ten, twenty, 100 or even 600...but I did it, and knocked one minute off my PB...*ahem*

Sooo...

900 runners, 759 were chipped so had registered finish times....and I came.....634.  Ha. Ok ok, there were a large number of veterans behind me..but not all of the 125 were over 80..there were some running club bods too ! I know when I put my time up people will basically laugh at the fact I am going to attempt this Marathon lark, but seriously, I have gone from a complete non runner to giving up a weekend of Booze and fun to go running on a Sunday morning...it really isnt me.  So, hide your giggles you runners out there:

1:01:24

Surprisingly I actually enjoyed it, apart from the blisters forming at mile 2, but most of all I loved feeling competitive and running with a group of people.  Not talking to them..oh no...at times I could hardly breathe with spittle forming round my mouth like a rabid dog, but nice to do a little encouraging nod to Doris when I passed her ... and then she nods at me when she picks up her pace and sprints off with me eating her dust. 

My other love was my support.  Team Alice (the Ashford massive) shall not go unmentioned.  You dudes rock, Han, Linda, Jim with home made Team Alice T shirts, and Kathy & Charlie providing the yummy shepherds pie for afterwards. Yes, I think the fact that I literally ran past Han and Linda while cheering at myself so they would notice me was an interesting fact, but I honestly wouldnt have made it to the finish line without the final T Shirt flash from Han...thanks hun for also distracting the other runners with said boob flash I wouldve definitely come in place 700 if it wasnt for you ;-)

Also you dudes on Facebook, and the numerous texts, I felt the love, so thanks..make sure you keep it up!

The blisters on my feet are still agony, so I hobbled to the Asics shop this lunch time to have a grumble (as I did have my gait done with them)....and they wheeled out this buff...white tight Tshirted Adonis called Robert.  All styled hair, pearly white teeth, and Pecks that I just wanted to stroke...so he put me completely off my "angry Alice...professional athlete" moan..and I turned into a jibbering, slightly red wreck, agreeing to go in tomorrow to have another analysis done. Which I no doubt have to shell out for....

Now for the important point...What shall I wear ? Adonis here I come...

Yes yes..you are right..I am slower than the girl with a strapped up knee...

I was just trying to hold in vomit..with a dude shouting "SMILE, youve finished" he's lucky he didnt get the money shot...

Eye of the tiger....

well, not quite...but nearly ! The 1st "D" day is soon to be on me...so I have spent my day in the best way possible to get myself focused on the little (V little compared to D Day 3 !!) jog tomorrow.  I am sure that all true athletes do the same:

1. Woke up...tea two sugars....need the extra energy..facemask
2. nice...slow walk to get my eye brows seen too
3. Order in Dominos, while watching Lovely Bones in bed
4. Try out the outfit for tomorrow...then change mind on different colour running tops, only to finally settle on the first outfit.  Gone for black with my orange/grey jacket....quite slimming...needs to be after the junk Ive eaten this week in "preparation"
5. Pick out perfect nail colour for said outfit

Well, look, there's people with cameras right? Quite frankly I want to make sure I look good when I'm either vomiting in a hedge or being carried round by Bruce the 90 year old.

I've put things off long enough...Ashford here I come xx

oh sh*t fluck rollocks

this is my 10K race number for this Sunday...I had so much to tell you re my private life but this little puppy came in the post and have now realised what the mucking hell I've signed up to.

So short but sweet, Ashford I am so not prepared...I have run 10K once....but walked a bit of it (please read allot of it)....I have not run for the last week (and a half..) and I've eaten curry too many times to mention..and yes, I may have smoked..once....ish...

what on earth have I done? Oh help me...please....

Sleep deprivation...

Help me. I can’t sleep.  Truly cannot sleep. 

No...not because I’ve been running so much the adrenaline is still pumping round my veins when it comes to bed time...Oh no...it’s because I start to drift off dreaming of the marathon....

and then I start picturing the finishing line......I can see myself stumbling along and then in the big writing is the 25 mile marker...wow...you’ve nearly made it Alice...you can hear the cheers and screaming...I then look out at the crowd and at that point I see all my friends waving and shouting...I smile and wave back with tears streaming down my face..(but still looking beautiful and make up in one place...obv)and  then....... I see Jude Law in the crowd shouting above everyone else that he loves me, it was never Sienna, and now he can finally admit it.  This gives me my final burst of energy, I shout back to Jude that I love him too, and then I’m off...

Sprinting and waving at the crowds at the barriers, In my head I can hear Martine McCutcheon “This is my moment...this is my perfect ... moment”.... when I overtake Paula Radcliffe who high fives me and says that I deserve to win this more than her so she hangs back and holds the rest of the elite runners back..So I...Alice Waite...can have “my moment”.....I see the finishing line...my arms are in the air....I’m now slow mo’ing with the Baywatch theme tune blaring out....the camera’s are flashing as Jude is waiting at the finish line and scoops me up in his arms where it is announced that I have not only won the marathon, I've completed it in record time....

And  then?

I’m back in the room.  Nursing a huge blister after running only 6.5 miles, am dragging my left leg behind me while walking due to my pulled groin, and knowing full well the only person greeting me and scooping me up at the finish line is the friendly St John’s ambulance man putting me on a stretcher as people are clearing up around me.

April the 17^th you can’t come quickly enough....

P.S  Just wondering...the final picture with the medal? Should I attempt a little jump in the air or is that a bit too much?....

Weeble...

Mr "M"...do you know what? I think I met my challenge, and possibly the male version of where I was six months ago.  Dating constantly, enjoying meeting new people, but letting some people fall to the side, because, well, there was so much other fun stuff going on why put all of your effort into one person? Basically, I think he is putting all his effort into one person...but that person wasnt me! I was the girl that didnt need the effort, the food, to be seen out with, but was ok to watch a movie with.  So, I've dusted myself off, sprung up like a weeble, and have learnt by this and reacted in the mature, level headed way that only Alice knows how...

I have now "added to favourites" 35 new boys on the dating website and "winked" at too many people to mention...

Brilliant.  Heres to a new day, and fitting in some fun dates around my little jogging practice, which, BTW, has given my groin strain.

How ironic.

Night all xx

Complete write off...but tis only a glitch ! I hope.....

This weekend has been a total write off, and I have no one to blame..accept myself...oh...and Mr "M" but Ill get to that in a sec.

Now please don't all hate me....let me explain...

I had one of those truly rotten days on Friday, which kicked in at about 10 am...from that point on I knew it was going to be a shocker.  Boy oh boy was I right.  But, I figured as I told everyone I was having a bad day, so therefore I was planning to drink alot and possibly smoke....it kind of gave me reason to? And then I thought, as I had told everyone, hell, I may as well do it in style? Hmmm, and so I did.  8.30am finish and sobering up to see the empty pack of twenty in front of me (and remembering I had actually pinched some of my flatmates earlier on in the evening too).  Oh Alice, so, on Saturday, not only did I wake up (once I eventually had gone to bed) with the fear, stinking of cigarettes, and wanting to beat myself with a big nasty (sh*ty) stick for smoking I also realised there was no chance of my 10K that I had planned for that day.  But lets be fair, what are the chances of me going running after a session like that?

So this weekend, I have done...nothing.  And I'm so frustrated with myself, but I knew I was going to have a slip up, and lets be honest, it is me we're talking about, theres no point us all pretending that I'm suddenly going to turn into Mother Theresa Eh?

Now, I also wanted to update you on Mr "M", so ..I successfully completed two dates and he arranged the third for Sunday...We had planned to get a take away and watch a movie (at his, don't worry, I did text the address to nearly everyone I knew "just in case") anywhoo..so to get to his on time I would have to leave mine at 5.30..so there I am...doing my 'fro @ 5.20 when I get a text:

"Hey, I'm starving so going to eat shortly, might be worth grabbing something before you come over :-)"


Errrr, what?

We're going to have some food and watch a movie but youre going to eat now? On your own?

So once again, I don't make it to the third date (I cancelled as had no food in and hell, Im not eating my dinner on the tube just cause he's hungry at 5.30 and cant wait 50 mins)..he wants to meet up this Friday instead for a movie and some wine...I may just text him @ 6.00 pm on Friday to tell him I was bored so Ive watched the movie, drunk the drink, eaten all the food and see how he likes it.

Petty?

Yes, very.

Heres to a new week of running, no smoking, and no boys to distract me.....please let my willpower kick back in...boy oh boy do I need it....

Big Mac and Fries Please... Well...I did run to work this morning?

Just a quick one as I'm sitting in bed eating my McDonalds and quite frankly want to inhale the Big Mac that is currently winking at me.....yes I know, not brilliant for the Marathon training..but stuff it, I'm starving.

Anyway, just to quickly update you, just back from the 2nd date with Mr "M"...went to the cinema and I've learnt a couple of lessons...

1) Don't wear a cute Pencil skirt with a slit up the front...yes yes when you cross your legs it looks ever so sexy....but once a scary/gruesome part of the movie comes up..and you start hiding behind your hands and sliding down into your seat?...lets just say the said "sexy split" is now showing off your not so sexy gusset of your skin colour tights....

2) Never pick a movie that you think the guy would like (even though you are interested to see it..) but  you would 100% rather be watching a chick flick/childish movie.....as you never know, he might rather see one too ?Mr "M"... "Oh, about a month ago I went on a date and we saw Burlesque" - Marvelous, just Marvelous, I've just freaked myself out for the last 90 Min's and will have nightmares for goodness knows how long but could've actually been watching Gulliver's Travels......in 3D.....?


Here to the third date....maybe the saggy gusset didn't completely put him off....

P.S Oh and also, FYI I've met my dating match....he managed 30 first dates in 6 months.....he has certainly top trumped me...

High Fivvvvveee....the MO is back!

I've found my MO......now gonna start looking for my JO and I will be on my way people.  The rucksack can take a running jump, ran home tonight and loved every minute.  Probably the main reason is because I found a STONKING short cut so cut the distance and time down massively.........

Huh? What was that? I'm not really meant to be doing that? ooooooohhh.

But look, its really helped me, so it cant be too bad...I think the best thing is I've realised why some people run, honestly, I think that's what my main problem has been, why run when you can get in your car and get there so much quicker? Seriously.  But tonight, running home, I realised that actually running can be quicker than the tube...I am over the moon! Tonight it was bang on the length of time it took me to get to work this AM, so the decision has been made...Thursday morning I'm biting the bullet and running to work....

Wowzer, that's something I never thought I would say.

P.S Date number two with Mr "M" on Thursday night....going to the cinema...do you think he's just done that so I wont say anything stupid? Hmmm...

Lost my Mojo...

well, I haven't actually ever got my whole running Mojo...so maybe I should say I've lost my "Mo".

 I was *SO* lifted by my little run at the weekend, I realised that after giving up the cigs I could actually run/walk and not want to collapse to the floor while clutching my chest.  I could actually do it! But then, today came.  Oh my, what a killer.
I bought a great little ruck sack so I could run home from work, and take my stuff home...Genius plan right? No.  Rubbish.  Possibly my worst idea. 
You've all seen how I pack, I cant pack, so I strap on a rucksack that a Marine would be able to live for a 6 month tour with, and leave the office....I think ill start off with a light jog...WOAH, what is this? Have I suddenly taken up running on a boat? Why am I violently moving from side to side? This is meant to be a proper running rucksack, with more straps than a straight jacket yet its still doing this?

So I walk for a little bit and then try again, this time I have tightened the straps and try to run while holding them outward...picture "Knees up Mother Brown" with Braces on your trousers? Pictured it? Well, that was me with my rucksack...So, I'm holding the straps tight and slightly out, trying not to wibble wobble over, when I turn the corner and get hit with the strongest wind slap bang in the face, so much so I'm not moving anywhere.  I consider turning round to run with the wind..but obviously...completely pointless as thats where I've just come from, so, I did what Alice would do and you would all expect me to do.........
I got in a huge strop, and decided to walk to teach myself a lesson (had only made it 1/2 way along the Southbank) So, this evening, I walked home from work, about 6 1/2 miles, for no reason what so ever, while mentally beating myself up and putting myself down, and listening to Beverly Craven on loop...we are our own hardest critics huh? Am now frozen, have no feeling in my feet, am hugely disappointed in myself, my back is agony and I'm really worried about my taste of music.

But, since Ive been sitting here moaning and sulking, Ive realised this is just a down day.  Its going to take me time to be any good at this running lark, I cant expect miracles !! So, tomorrow the ruck sack can stay at home, and I'm going to give it another go.  And not throw a strop that a 3 year old would be jealous of.


Oh, I probably should say, my lack of energy might have something to do with my date on Sunday night! Nooo...not that....honestly....but it was a late night on a school night and lots of fun! But have decided I probably shouldn't say too much as I don't want to tempt fate, so all I'll tell you is, Mr "M" was on top form, a true gent, funny and pretty cute, I on the other hand:

1. was 20 mins late (bus drivers road rage = scary and frankly annoying)
2. so desperately hungover from a friends 30th it was unbelievable
3. made completely inappropriate and stupid comments throughout the night

Mr "M" - "Dame Helen Mirren is amazing isn't she? She looks so good for her age?"
Alice - "Completely! my friend and I have decided that the older you get, the more appreciative you are of the older woman..if she came on to me I would? I mean..come on, its Helen Mirren"

You "would"? Oh my sweet lord Alice.  You "would"?? You're on a date, with a cute guy, and you're saying this? Classy...

Funnily enough though he wants to see me again, lord know why...oh...maybe because he now thinks I'm into girls?!?!?! Hurrumph.

Here's to a new day tomorrow....

x

Smoke Signals -

As of now..its been

4 days 14:21.26....oh...30....oh....34....oh....38.....

Anyway..

4 days guys 4 days ! Am actually pretty chuffed with myself, gave up with the old cold turkey and signed up to the NHS stop smoking thang at Boots.  Its pretty good actually, Ive been able to stock up on patches, and they support you for as long as you need them.  Ive got my first patch on today, and in all honesty I have a stonking headache, and feel like a 12 year old after my brother had given me a dead arm.  *OUCH* But, if its keeping me off the old ciggys then its all good.  I really hope I can make it, a friends 30th Birthday this weekend will be the test.  Especially seeing as I have practically locked myself away everynight...with no booze...with the fear that I might crack ! I can see myself turning into a recluse, and that is not good for my dating year....

However, I have made the FATAL mistake of weighing myself in Boots, and can see that the Christmas turkey has certainly hit so need to keep an eye on my eating while giving up....but as I'm running now hopefully it wont be too bad? Well, have to admit, I have also planned to have a luscious cake this afternoon from Patisserie Valerie, but if you plan what you're eating I figure it cant be counted as extra calories right? (*wishful thinking*)

Right, onwards and upwards, please keep your fingers crossed for a cig free weekend....

Have a good one all xx

Very quick tip to all

The wondrous 80's pink fluffy Angel Delight? Do not eat it before you get the guilt attack and force yourself to go for your first 2011 run, it doesn't always looks so pink and fluffy...believe me....oooops....sorry Clapham Common.....

"Delightful"...or maybe not ...

Also, the NHS thang to help you quit smoking?  All they need to do is make a smoker, who's getting over a cold, go for a run and get them to remember that HORRENDOUS tight suffocating feeling you get in your chest after the smallest of runs.  When I say smallest I mean 2 miles at most and I can still feel the pain 15 mins after......

Bother bother bother.

Never start smoking people.  This stinks.

New Years Resolutions...

1. Give up smoking
2. Don't date hideous messed up men
3. Date said men, but make sure there's a good story to be told
4. Start running
5. Seriously..start running
6. Loose at least 6 pounds
7. and that's not loosing 6 pounds by buying cigs..
8. Start boot camp on Clapham Common (theres an easy £145 lost straight away..score)
9. Go skiing
10. Plan an amazing holiday to Thailand and Cambodia
11. Run run run run run..my god...do you realise I have to run a marathon in a few months? Seriously? a MARATHON, its not a couple of laps round the school and the car park...sweet mother of g.. what have I done?!

Update.....

Didn't smoke past 2am on NYE...but then had a cheeky one this evening I'm afraid. BUT, its because I don't have the plaster things, the electronic cig, and the gum.  Marvellous, I'm going to be chewing tobacco..literally, putting my "plasters" on cuts as if they were Barbie ones, and trying to light my electronic Cig while out on the p*ss.  You can see it now eh?

Please keep your fingers crossed for me this week ! I will start afresh tomorrow...well...tonight is just a little blip eh?